Free to Love weekend in San Francisco

Such profound sadness…

I stand in the shower, water running down my shoulders, back, legs…tears streaming down my face…

Huge, unbearable, purifying, sweet sadness…

A week ago I was at the emotional freedom weekend – one of the many great offerings of the Chopra Center for Well-being. To be honest with you, I was feeling antsy and anxious – both because I was going to this workshop, and because I was going with my partner.

The structure of the workshop, like many others of this kind was familiar – an evening lecture explaining what is emotional toxicity and how this particular workshop would address it. Identifying and describing painful events and hurtful believes, following by dyad exercise and a final release ritual.

I felt cheated -  I was looking for depth of experience, the enormity of release, the freedom of letting go and none of that was happening. I felt like I was running into the invisible obstacle – an emotional restriction, a wall if you want, that didn’t allow me to go deeper yet. I’ve been to enough of these events, though, to trust the process.

Home at last, “Stirred, but not shaken” I wrote on my Facebook profile. The truth is I was stirred up by sheer amount of painful memories I kept in my heart, and shaken by my inability to move forward – I was so willing, and yet unable to take that next step. I plain didn’t know where to go! Tiredness followed by unsettlness; then came the doubt, and then the anger. It was as if I was peeling my emotional layers off, exposing yet the next – with all it’s scars,  memories, energy. For a few days I was stuck in anger – like a fly in a batch of honey. Dark and sticky, it held on to me for dear life. Anything  said or done was bringing the waves of anger. In meditation, my mind refused to settle; during the yoga practice my body wouldn’t yield.

And then there I was, early Sunday morning, weeping in the shower… Now – cold water running down my body…

Below the anger I buried my sadness- sadness for my family falling apart, sadness for unfulfilled dreams, people that I’ve lost, people that I’ve hurt. It was as if the deep sadness from every painful experience and every hurtful word, every misunderstanding and argument suddenly jutted up to surface  getting the voice of it’s own – a whisper at first, but getting stronger with every passing second. What started as a trickle, ended up in the waterfall of knowing  how deep our need for connection, understanding and kindness  is to each other and ourselves. And how easily and carelessly we hurt ourselves and others by our choice of words.

Did you notice that as we get older our shoulders tend to round more and more. Gravity, some say. I agree – but only partially so. I have another theory: we round our shoulders to hide our tender hearts from painful experiences. Like a tortoise, we grow a shell to protect ourselves from hurtful words, disappointments, traumas, betrayals, judgments and arguments. As this barrier hardens, we loose the ability to listen compassionately and offer empathy, both to ourselves and people around us.

I feel so sentenced by your words,

I feel so judged and sent away,

Before I go I’ve got to know,

Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,

Before I speak in hurt or fear,

Before I build that wall of words,

Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they’re walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,

Things that mean so much to me,

If my words don’t make me clear,

Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,

If you felt I didn’t care,

Try to listen through my words,

To the feelings that we share.

writes Ruth Bebermeyer

Next time you find yourself in an argument, pause. Just pause. Breathe. Listen from the heart. Let your words come from the heart. Breathe….

As I’m writing this, I’m smiling to myself – there it is, my profound experience found me at last.

Namaste!

2010-04-25

And please give hugs generously!